Five, no wait today will be six, days of positive home pregnancy tests and no bleeding, yet, it is like some sort of record. It is early, but I got an early implanter. They are the darkest pregnancy tests I’ve seen since my husband and I started trying, but there has been a lot of cramping, pulling, and bloating. I just constantly feel like I’m about to start bleeding.
I’m being pretty pessimistic right now and am fully expecting a repeat of the last times despite the difference in symptoms and other signs.
I really didn’t at all expect this, especially after a failed IUI, so while we’d be over the moon if it works out, we will be just fine if it doesn’t. Plus, we’ve only told my mother so far and don’t plan on telling anyone else yet. It isn’t that we’ve told anyone before when we’ve had a positive, but it is common knowledge that we’ve had 3 miscarriages and I just don’t want to go through the trouble and awkwardness of explaining #4 as it is happening, if it happens.
Weird – I thought I had posted this yesterday, but wordpress obviously didn’t post it.
After writing my last post I got an email from my department head about this semester’s class listings. I hadn’t paid that much mind before, but what would be offered this fall, but of course a class that is about 50-70% about my religion, Asatru. Hello. I am ridiculously overjoyed right now for oh so many reasons, but actually top on the list is actually being back in a class in which I am required to read books and write papers. I’m a little nervous about going back to an actual classroom setting because I’ve been going online to reputable schools for the last few years and I’m not exactly the young skinny spring chicken I used to be. It was 10 years ago I first started college, that is a long time.
If you want to talk about further silly coincidences, I picked up my books today and opened the page on the very first try to my favorite story in which Odin hangs on Yggdrasil and receives the runes.
Might I have a slight unfair advantage in this class with my wealth of knowledge about Scandinavian history and old pagan religions of Europe? Maybe. Is it just what I needed right now as my spirituality wavered? Hell yes.
Speaking of religion, I’ve been a fan of Doris Hanson for some time, although I think she is a bit heavy on the Jesus. For those not in the know, she is a crusader against polygamy and does her best to bring to light the horrors that women and men endure in what is essentially forced polygamy.
I, of course, whipped out my New Oxford Bible, which is laden with notes from Christianity and Judaism classes, and re-read Genesis 16 from a whole new perspective. I’ve always seen it as just a tale of a separation of Semitic peoples, but re-read in Doris Hanson’s light it is rather a warning of the dangers of polygamy and its effects on women. People are doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past though, aren’t they?
I’ve never had a career nor been particularly interested in having one because I’d always thought my days would be so busy with a household full of kids. Now that that isn’t the case I feel a little lost. I’ve been in university since 2004 and changed my major more times than I could ever count, but because I’ve changed schools again with our recent move, I am again a little ways off from finishing a degree.
Part of me knows I need to finish but part of me doesn’t know what my life is going to be like without school, it has always been there. There is also this societal pressure now that my daughter is 5 that I should be working despite it not being a necessity that I do so. I’ve had people ask why I’m not working as though the fact that we haven’t pushed out another kid means I’m somehow necessitated to find employment? Like I told that person, in some ways working feels like punishment for our infertility. I know that might sound a little crazy to some of you out there, but I feel like being shoved into the workplace is like a giant sign that says “you don’t get to be a stay at home mom because you are defective at reproducing.” I don’t know, it hurts. Sure, we’d be able to do a lot more renovations a lot more quickly if I did work, but I think I’d come out of it an angry and bitter mess.
I don’t know how women with primary infertility feel about this, but I assume that some of them feel equally angry about the assumption that they should be working when they’d rather be home and would be home if they had children.
Danes are a straight forward people, they mean what they say and say what they mean.
WASPs (White Anglo-Saxon Protestants) are not a straight forward group of people, we like to talk around things while hoping those around us get our incredibly subtle hints.
Alas, the pairing of Danish and WASP culture in a family goes through many iterations of misunderstandings in which the WASP members read things into what the Danes are saying that they clearly did not intend and the Danes miss subtle hints dropped by the WASPs.
I’d say that 80% of what we have problems with in our marriage is this or our families and this. Dear American and British spouses of Danes, you too must learn how to be direct and direct your families to be direct (notice the emphasis on direct). There is little to no chance of your Danish spouse catching on to the little hints you are dropping or what you are attempting to say without saying it. Basically, be rude, be very very rude and they’ll like it.*
*Rude within measure of course. Wouldn’t want to be accused of creating any family rifts.
One of those women that gets pregnant:
- on their second month of metformin
- after a HSG “flushes” their pipes
- on their first month of Clomid/Femara
- on their first IUI
- in their first 2 years of trying (we do have a month to go)
- by accident
- out of wedlock
- when I stop trying (how the hell do you get pregnant if you aren’t trying?)
- by relaxing
- by praying
- by giving away baby stuff (this should have worked)
- by losing weight
- by gaining weight
- by going on vacation
- by using different positions, softcups, preseed, vitamins, OTC immune remedies, and/or baby aspirin
- the month after miscarrying (how many times have we all heard that myth)
- by charting, not charting, temping, and not temping
I am not pregnant and there ain’t much that is going to change that.
It has been a month without a living room, a terrible month. What we thought was unkeyed plaster was really drywall installed on fiberboard installed on a whole lot of nothing because some idiot in 1940 thought that removing and moving 2 structural walls was a good idea.
So now my living room looks like this until there are some free contractors around these parts to come an build us a new structural wall and replace some beams:
I was watching a good talk by a Buddhist nun that was talking about this subject, our own self-righteousness, and holding grudges. Lately, I’ve found myself being bitter and way overly judgmental about the circumstances other people find themselves in. Part of that is related to my overly critical upbringing but part of it is has been just a very limited focus on our fertility, or lack there of.
When I dissect the lives of others and think why is that dumb slut (I use worse words in my head) or those terrible parents having children when we can’t, I’m just brining about my own suffering. I’m wallowing in this pit of anger and depression when, to be honest, I don’t have that much to be upset about. Sure, not having another biological child is a huge blow, but I have a great husband and a great child, no mortgage or car loans, a craftsman style bungalow that I just know will be perfect when we are done with it, a nice town we’ve just moved to, the opportunity for us to better our lives, and the option to choose whether I work or don’t.
Maybe, as my husband has pointed out, there are people who wish they could be in our shoes and who would kick me in the shins (my words) for not being joyous in the now in my life. Maybe I’m being hypersensitive about our infertility like I was as a single mother, when I used to have to hold back tears seeing a happily married couple out pushing a stroller. I have that happy marriage now to a man who is an amazing father and I am still hot happy. There is something really wrong with that and it is time for all of our sakes that I start appreciating the amazing gifts I have been given.