Do I Want to Be Right or Happy?

I was watching a good talk by a Buddhist nun that was talking about this subject, our own self-righteousness, and holding grudges.  Lately, I’ve found myself being bitter and way overly judgmental about the circumstances other people find themselves in.  Part of that is related to my overly critical upbringing but part of it is has been just a very limited focus on our fertility, or lack there of.

When I dissect the lives of others and think why is that dumb slut (I use worse words in my head) or those terrible parents having children when we can’t, I’m just brining about my own suffering.  I’m wallowing in this pit of anger and depression when, to be honest, I don’t have that much to be upset about.  Sure, not having another biological child is a huge blow, but I have a great husband and a great child, no mortgage or car loans, a craftsman style bungalow that I just know will be perfect when we are done with it, a nice town we’ve just moved to, the opportunity for us to better our lives, and the option to choose whether I work or don’t.

Maybe, as my husband has pointed out, there are people who wish they could be in our shoes and who would kick me in the shins (my words) for not being joyous in the now in my life.  Maybe I’m being hypersensitive about our infertility like I was as a single mother, when I used to have to hold back tears seeing a happily married couple out pushing a stroller.  I have that happy marriage now to a man who is an amazing father and I am still hot happy.  There is something really wrong with that and it is time for all of our sakes that I start appreciating the amazing gifts I have been given.

Over 15 pounds down and a failed IUI

I had lost some weight and then gained it mostly all back since January, but I am now officially 15 pounds lighter than I was in December. I am happy and feel great about it, especially since according to the RE my only real impediment to not getting pregnant is being overweight. I’m not sure I buy that, but I should lose more weight anyway.

Our IUI, despite having near the best chances it could (my lining was a little sad at 7mm), was a fail. My trigger stayed in my system for over 16 days until my period came, which definitely gave some false hope. I had a good cry about it, but to be honest, because it didn’t really address any issues we were having, I’m not sure why it would have worked to start out with. I ovulate on my own around the day I ovulated on Femara, so all it really did for me was give me a second good follicle and thin my lining. Even if we did get fertilization, I’m not sure what our chances of implantation would be.

I’m starting to think that I am among the growing number of women who are just infertile after a c-section. Maybe my body is just rejecting pregnancy because someone cut into my uterus and stitched it back up and this intrusion is acting like some sort of unintentional IUD.

I dislike moving/packing

I think I should probably be resting after my IUI and hoping this cycle works and for the most part I am avoiding lifting heavy furniture or excessive bending over moving boxes.  We even are paying people about 400 to help us load up our upack truck just in case I am pregnant, but also because it is a lot of stuff for two people to move.  Well, it would be easier if I had big manly muscles, but I really struggle with some of the heavier things.

Alas, every room in our house has its own collection of boxes, including the Ikea sofa and chairs I bought (still in the boxes, but void spaces stuffed with pillows and blankets).  I am still not done, but I am glad we have some time in the house after loading up to help my mother put her house back together, finish up some last little things, and make a dump run or two.

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On Being Infertile, Having an Amazing Danish Husband, and Adoption

I want to take a second to appreciate the wonderful and amazing Danish husband I have.  He is completely into being a step-father, has without complaint gone to the fertility clinic, agreed to use a donor when we thought he was the issue (he isn’t now), and just spent time with me going through the waiting child list.

A lot of times people ask infertile couples why don’t they just adopt, and honestly, I used to think it.  I crave having a biological child, well, I want to have my husband’s child and see what a mini-him will look like.  But, but, aren’t there lots of kids in America and around the world awaiting forever homes?  No, not like there used to be.  Single mothers giving up their baby for adoption has dropped from 15% three decades ago to 1% now.  That is a lot less domestic children available, and even when there are, the price tag is hefty.  I also have some ethical quandaries with it, having been a young divorced mother myself.   International adoptions have also declined rather sharply.

International Adoptions Graph


So what, then, will it take to fulfill our dream of having a house full of screaming and hopefully not too sticky*?

*kids are just as sticky as everyone warns you about

Well, I have for a long long time wanted to do foster to adopt or adopt from the waiting child list.  In fact right now, I could see myself adopting a few of the sibling groups on there.  However, we aren’t established in our new house yet and still need to do a lot of renovations and making sure work and life is steady.

For those of you that don’t know, the waiting child list is basically children already free for adoption.  Almost all of them are already than 5 and many of them come with siblings.  I guess that is somehow less desirable than an infant adoption for some people, but for us and for me, it is preferable!

Busy Couple of Weeks

I closed on our first house, wheeeee!  I spent a few days (not enough) cleaning and doing some painting.  I really wish the previous folks who lived there had used painter’s tape, good quality paint (the paint they used was literally bleeding color out), and had done trim and doors in a semi gloss.  I managed to put a few good coats of Valspar Reserve on (which seems to work as well as Benjamin Moore and Sherwin Williams according to my experience).

Here is the before of my daughter’s new room with each wall painted a different color:

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And here is after the walls and trim were painted their new color:





The trim still needs new quarter round put at the bottom, I’m not sure where there was none.  Also, the ceiling and window frame needs some more painting.   I’m not a fan of this laminate that was put down on top of the wood floors because it is already buckling in the middle, but for now, it is a clean floor and helps make my daughter’s room almost move in ready.  I’ll post a complete after when we actually get back out there.


We also did our 2 IUIs this week and I’m now 4 days post trigger and maybe 2 or 3 or 2.5 days post ovulation.  I’m glad we did 2 IUIs because it seems like I ovulated 12+ hours apart from each ovary.  We had 2 good follicles and potentially a third that were released and our post wash counts were amazing, so as much as I don’t want to be hopeful, I am.


Dear Danes, Get Some Customer Service Skills

I made an misestimation of time this morning and arrived at the ticket counter 30 minutes before my flight was due to depart the gate.  Too late, I was told.  Despite it being my own fault, I was politely booked on to the next available flight, with consideration taken that I had an important deadline to meet tomorrow.  

I flashback to about 14 months ago, at an airport in Jutland, and our first leg of our flight being cancelled due to SAS not having modern enough planes.  Did we get rebooked on another flight?  No.  Did SAS bother to tell the contracting airline that they were canceling the flight?  Nope, Iceland Air had to call the airport manager to confirm what we told them on the phone.  Did they quickly pull bags or have a ticket agent set up to find alternatives for people?  Again, no, just a fend for yourself.   We managed to get a ride to our next airport in time, but it still sits in the back of my mind as something intrinsically typical of Danish customer service.  *

Also reminiscent of flying into the same airport with 4 suitcases, a bicycle, car seat, young child, and bike trailer  and not being able to find a single person to help me get the luggage out of the baggage area.  By the time I had managed to wrangle everything, the customs guy had already left!  

I know it seems like

I’ve turned this into an infertility blog.  It seems to be consumed our life for the now, but I do have other infertile followers, so this is our brief update:

MRI went well besides them not being able to get an IV line in for about 45 minutes.  Apparently metformin dehydrates me a lot.  I do drink a lot of water, but my arms are of course, bruised again from the experience.  My brain is clear from tumors at the moment, but I do have a slightly enlarged hypothalamus, so I need to do another scan in a year.

It looks like CD 3 is going to fall a day or two before I have to leave to close on the house.  Great timing, right?  My first monitoring appointment on CD 11 should be the day after I get back, I think.  Also good.  My insurance company authorized us for only June 1 – July 1, so the pharmacy I am using was only able to ship me the femara thus far because it doesn’t need pre-approval.  They have to wait until June 1 to ship the ovidrel.

Because I was so overwhelmed, I didn’t really hear the nurse mention doing 2 IUIs this cycle, but I guess we are doing 2 back to back inseminations.  OK, then.  I’m still trying to figure out the logistics of getting my daughter on the bus in the mornings and getting to the clinic super early those days.  Saved by grandma?  I guess we could trade off in the waiting room, but I just don’t want to have to bring her to the fertility clinic unless it is an emergency.

Actually, I’m still not clear on whether the sample gets done the morning we inseminate or before or different points in the day?  Correction:  I checked, he has to be there at 7, me at 8:30 same day.

I don’t really think the IUI is going to work because besides me taking metformin, the swimmers bypassing the cervix, and the suspiciously higher SA…. what exactly has changed?  According to the RE right now with my husband’s improved results, the only problem is me being insulin resistant and overweight*.  I’m sure those SA results didn’t change overnight either.

*Which the metformin is helping to address – 5 lbs lost in 2 weeks and I’ve only had one day with the typical bad side effects.