So, we embarked upon the cause of sanding our nearly 100 year old floors. As I had previously mentioned, they were a yellowy perhaps natural wood color and then the tenant last year used that terrible Minwax Polyshades stuff on top, in a black. Now, there were boot prints in it and it had been applied over dirt and rather unevenly and begun to flake up in places to reveal the much lighter floor underneath. Whatever you do, don’t put that stuff on your floors. It made it double the fun to sand off as well.
I liked the idea of the dark floors with dark trim (and yes the window trim in a tacky later edition by the homeowners that I one day hope to purge ourselves of). Then I tried what looked to be good Minwax colors, Red Oak and Dark Walnut:
This is what it actually looks like:
This is basically yuck. The Dark Walnut looks like mud and the Red Oak is no good. I have some theories as to why it doesn’t work – the Dane sanded the floor too fine or maybe the floors are not oak? I’m going to pick up some lighter colors tomorrow, maybe Early American and see what happens.
Excuse Ipad typos please :)
Of course, my thoughts leading up to our NT scan are that we are going to get there and see that I’ve had a missed miscarriage. With a return of some of my energy over the last 2 days and less nausea, I worry, but I’ve been worrying all along. I still say, even at 10 weeks tomorrow, “if we have a baby”. If we don’t, I’m not sure my heart can take much more and that will be it with the trying for us as it was about to be days before I found out. For 6 weeks, I’ve been bed bound and barely awake during the day and without energy to do much at all. I hated being pregnant with DD and I hate being pregnant now. Just being honest.
I still get upset at women who basically brag about getting pregnant quickly, do we really all need to know that you ‘struggled’ for 3 months, really? I think damn those stupid fertiles when I see people in the middle of immigration knocking up their partner and then whining about being separated. Too freaking bad, use some birth control.
I’m still upset at parents who don’t have the money, time, etc. for the kids they have, having more. I’m upset that the women who want so desperately to have a child aren’t having them, while fertile myrtles are pushing out one after another. The universe is anything but fair.
Yep, I’m pregnant and still a shockingly bitter infertile at heart.
I am hoping that the ceiling will be completely done over the course of the next week. As is often the case up here in the far northern reaches of Minnesota, our contractor is terribly short of workers, in fact, he’s lost all of them in the past week and is doing the work himself. If you are looking for low unemployment rates, look no further.
In other news, which I promise to keep brief for those still suffering, we had our first ultrasound at 5+2 last week and measured 5+3, too early for a heartbeat. Today, I’m 6+3, which is just beyond a huge milestone. I’m scheduled for a NT scan at a hospital 2 hours away at 11+5, but nothing in the meantime. Talk about hands off, right? I’m still terribly worried that there is going to be a problem, but I’m trying to let myself get caught up in just feeling a little like it might be real. Yesterday, the Dane and I were back to arguing over names. We had agreed while still dating (now you know how much we were serious about having kids) that the first boy would be named Thor or Tor as it were. I’m not the best at Scandinavian linguistics, but it has always bothered me that the Danes dropped the th that thurisaz stood for in old Norse, just in favor of a plain old t.
Anyways, with the recent popularity of the Thor movies, it seems that maybe it would be a little misunderstood or cliche. I tried in vain to get Thorfinn or Thorbjorn approved, but I think we’ve come to a compromise with Torben (Thor’s bear). Girl’s name still stands at Dagny.
It might be presumptuous of us, but we’ll just try and believe it is real for now.
I really want to do a post on living in the far northern reaches of Minnesota because while it isn’t as different as Denmark, it is definitely different. It will have to wait until another day.
Our living room ceiling repair, while costing much more that we thought it would is in progress. It is a large structural project of adding back in LDLs (big structural beams), half walls, re-doing all the ceiling framing and supports to the roof and fixing some areas of the roof. It is really beyond what my husband or I could even begin to dare to attempt, so alas, there goes a big chunk of money. We’ve also got to fix most of the basement supports. We knew some of them were an issue when we put in an offer on the house, but it took a little bit living in the house to see that yet again, the old owners messed it up. They over-jacked one of the supports making the floors upstairs slope and leaving one of the posts basically swaying the in the wind. *sigh* This is just the beginnings (before with my husband’s temporary supports and after with LDL held temporarily in place).
The before we bought it where you can see the ceiling has a sag:
Then, of course, we have to fork out another few thousand at the end of next week to rewire this room and at least one adjoining room (I’ve requested my daughter’s as a high priority).
Pregnancy Update: 4 weeks 4 days today and no spotting and definitely darker lines. I didn’t test yesterday and stopped testing with the FRERs a couple of days ago. I figured I’d wait to do every other day with some of my wondfos. I have an appointment scheduled on Monday (5 weeks) at a new obgyn and I’m not sure how that will go. I’m also not sure that driving 45 minutes in that direction is better than 48 minutes in another to find an obgyn and hospital that does deliveries. The hospital we’ve tentatively allied ourselves with has one of the highest c-section rates in the state – not sure if that is good or bad since I might be in need of a repeat.
I dragged my husband along to the store to look at baby stuff because I figured that I should seize upon the rare opportunity to walk in that section without wanting to cry. I know I’m weird, but I just needed that fleeting moment of hope and normalcy – like those normal women who decide to start TTC, 2 months later they are pregnant and of course, they feel totally comfortable in it and not checking all the time to see if they’ve started bleeding.
Five, no wait today will be six, days of positive home pregnancy tests and no bleeding, yet, it is like some sort of record. It is early, but I got an early implanter. They are the darkest pregnancy tests I’ve seen since my husband and I started trying, but there has been a lot of cramping, pulling, and bloating. I just constantly feel like I’m about to start bleeding.
I’m being pretty pessimistic right now and am fully expecting a repeat of the last times despite the difference in symptoms and other signs.
I really didn’t at all expect this, especially after a failed IUI, so while we’d be over the moon if it works out, we will be just fine if it doesn’t. Plus, we’ve only told my mother so far and don’t plan on telling anyone else yet. It isn’t that we’ve told anyone before when we’ve had a positive, but it is common knowledge that we’ve had 3 miscarriages and I just don’t want to go through the trouble and awkwardness of explaining #4 as it is happening, if it happens.
Weird – I thought I had posted this yesterday, but wordpress obviously didn’t post it.
After writing my last post I got an email from my department head about this semester’s class listings. I hadn’t paid that much mind before, but what would be offered this fall, but of course a class that is about 50-70% about my religion, Asatru. Hello. I am ridiculously overjoyed right now for oh so many reasons, but actually top on the list is actually being back in a class in which I am required to read books and write papers. I’m a little nervous about going back to an actual classroom setting because I’ve been going online to reputable schools for the last few years and I’m not exactly the young skinny spring chicken I used to be. It was 10 years ago I first started college, that is a long time.
If you want to talk about further silly coincidences, I picked up my books today and opened the page on the very first try to my favorite story in which Odin hangs on Yggdrasil and receives the runes.
Might I have a slight unfair advantage in this class with my wealth of knowledge about Scandinavian history and old pagan religions of Europe? Maybe. Is it just what I needed right now as my spirituality wavered? Hell yes.
Speaking of religion, I’ve been a fan of Doris Hanson for some time, although I think she is a bit heavy on the Jesus. For those not in the know, she is a crusader against polygamy and does her best to bring to light the horrors that women and men endure in what is essentially forced polygamy.
I, of course, whipped out my New Oxford Bible, which is laden with notes from Christianity and Judaism classes, and re-read Genesis 16 from a whole new perspective. I’ve always seen it as just a tale of a separation of Semitic peoples, but re-read in Doris Hanson’s light it is rather a warning of the dangers of polygamy and its effects on women. People are doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past though, aren’t they?
I’ve never had a career nor been particularly interested in having one because I’d always thought my days would be so busy with a household full of kids. Now that that isn’t the case I feel a little lost. I’ve been in university since 2004 and changed my major more times than I could ever count, but because I’ve changed schools again with our recent move, I am again a little ways off from finishing a degree.
Part of me knows I need to finish but part of me doesn’t know what my life is going to be like without school, it has always been there. There is also this societal pressure now that my daughter is 5 that I should be working despite it not being a necessity that I do so. I’ve had people ask why I’m not working as though the fact that we haven’t pushed out another kid means I’m somehow necessitated to find employment? Like I told that person, in some ways working feels like punishment for our infertility. I know that might sound a little crazy to some of you out there, but I feel like being shoved into the workplace is like a giant sign that says “you don’t get to be a stay at home mom because you are defective at reproducing.” I don’t know, it hurts. Sure, we’d be able to do a lot more renovations a lot more quickly if I did work, but I think I’d come out of it an angry and bitter mess.
I don’t know how women with primary infertility feel about this, but I assume that some of them feel equally angry about the assumption that they should be working when they’d rather be home and would be home if they had children.