I was watching a good talk by a Buddhist nun that was talking about this subject, our own self-righteousness, and holding grudges. Lately, I’ve found myself being bitter and way overly judgmental about the circumstances other people find themselves in. Part of that is related to my overly critical upbringing but part of it is has been just a very limited focus on our fertility, or lack there of.
When I dissect the lives of others and think why is that dumb slut (I use worse words in my head) or those terrible parents having children when we can’t, I’m just brining about my own suffering. I’m wallowing in this pit of anger and depression when, to be honest, I don’t have that much to be upset about. Sure, not having another biological child is a huge blow, but I have a great husband and a great child, no mortgage or car loans, a craftsman style bungalow that I just know will be perfect when we are done with it, a nice town we’ve just moved to, the opportunity for us to better our lives, and the option to choose whether I work or don’t.
Maybe, as my husband has pointed out, there are people who wish they could be in our shoes and who would kick me in the shins (my words) for not being joyous in the now in my life. Maybe I’m being hypersensitive about our infertility like I was as a single mother, when I used to have to hold back tears seeing a happily married couple out pushing a stroller. I have that happy marriage now to a man who is an amazing father and I am still hot happy. There is something really wrong with that and it is time for all of our sakes that I start appreciating the amazing gifts I have been given.